When Adoption is Hard

Back in 2011, the judge slammed down his gavel and J officially became our son. When we exited the courtroom, I thought the struggles and roller coaster emotions were over. Nobody could ever take our son from us and there was freedom felt in that promise. I was naively determined to give my son a wonderful and fulfilling life, so that he would never doubt his value in our eyes or question his journey of adoption. Our adoption was closed and I fully intended to keep it that way.

A few months ago, those buried fears of unanswered questions suddenly found themselves resurfaced. We were driving in the car and I noticed J was unusually quiet and somber. I found myself asking what he was thinking about and nothing could have prepared me for his answer.

"I'm thinking about my birth mom and dad. It makes me sad that they don't know me. Can I go see them?" 

I found myself suddenly battling a million emotions: shock, anger, hurt, confusion, sadness. In a bumbling around sort of way, I reassured him of our love, his birth parents' love, and maybe someday we would meet them again.

Incidents like this continued every few days and I found myself grieving that my determination to close the door on his journey was not going to work. I found myself looking at counseling options and educating myself on how to help him process these emotions. God kept reminding me of these sayings I had seen posted on Facebook by a friend who has also adopted.

These served as valuable reminders that he was not rejecting us in his curiosity. He was feeling the deep loss of the connection that only biological family members can offer. And it's a deep loss that will always be felt, no matter how loved and connected they are to their adoptive families.

I prayed for wisdom, words to say, and guidance. 

And God answered, through a little boy we'll call B. We met B at kindergarten orientation and the two boys hit it off quickly. His mom and I discovered we have mutual friends, we live near each other, and we decided to carpool. Through continued contact I learned B was also adopted through the exact same agency as J!

I'll never forget my son's face when I told him that one of his new best friends was adopted too. A look of awe, joy, and relief flooded his face. The realization that he's not the only one and it's cool to be adopted was the exact affirmation he needed in his life at this time. 

And the blessing of this friendship is two-fold...B just learned he needs glasses and he was more than delighted to get glasses like J!

I'm rejoicing at the healing God has brought to our aching and searching hearts. There have been no more questions. No more somber looks or deep thinking. In fact, the radio played I'm Adopted this morning and he was singing this with joy ringing deep from his heart. 

And I've learned that the roller coaster will continue in this adoptive journey...and I have peace with that. God has been faithfully leading all the way and I know He will continue to. Love has a plan for him in a great, big family. Each of our stories are marked with trouble and grief, but let's remember the light of Christ extinguishes that and replaces with hope and love.