Control Relinquished

There are several things I could blame. Perhaps, the fact that day-to-day reality after the holidays is rough. Or maybe it's all the new Christmas toys littering my floors without permanent homes yet. Or maybe it's lack of routine and having my kids off of school. Or it's just life and I need to learn to roll with it. I came home from running a few errands yesterday and I felt it the minute I walked in the door. A million things calling for my attention. Everywhere I looked I saw more work. I mentally screamed and physically glared at the dishwasher that needed unloaded, the clean piles of laundry that needed put away, the clock that told me supper needed to be made, the blinking e-mails that needed to be addressed, the stack of bills that needed paid, the bags of new purchases that needed emptied, toys that needed to be cleaned up...not to even mention the long list of projects I've been wanting to do for several months now.  I felt myself drowning in a well of pi...

This week my husband went to the doctor to get a strange growth on his back checked out. Half an hour into his appointment, I get this text: "I'm headed to the hospital for emergency surgery." A minute later this text: "Hehe, just kidding! It was a cyst and he removed it." The only reason I thought this was remotely humorous was due to the fact that I happened to read the 2nd text first! I was relieved to know that it was nothing more serious and glad the doctor removed it right away, instead of making him come back. But, my ability to laugh at the joke my husband played on me had me feeling a bit guilty this week. Guilty that my family is healthy, while others I know are fighting cancer and rare disorders. Guilty that my family is whole, while others I know are burying loved ones. Guilty that my husband and I have a wonderful marriage filled with jokes and laughter, while others I know are struggling. Guilty that I find myself in a place of enough....

Back in 2011, the judge slammed down his gavel and J officially became our son. When we exited the courtroom, I thought the struggles and roller coaster emotions were over. Nobody could ever take our son from us and there was freedom felt in that promise. I was naively determined to give my son a wonderful and fulfilling life, so that he would never doubt his value in our eyes or question his journey of adoption. Our adoption was closed and I fully intended to keep it that way. A few months ago, those buried fears of unanswered questions suddenly found themselves resurfaced. We were driving in the car and I noticed J was unusually quiet and somber. I found myself asking what he was thinking about and nothing could have prepared me for his answer. "I'm thinking about my birth mom and dad. It makes me sad that they don't know me. Can I go see them?"  I found myself suddenly battling a million emotions: shock, anger, hurt, confusion, sadness. In a bumbling a...

I was blessed to enjoy a weekend away with my husband in the beautiful city of Philadelphia. The weekend was fun, relaxing, and refreshing and we thoroughly enjoyed our time together. Instead of driving, we took the train and fully immersed ourselves into city living! We did a lot of walking and also experienced our first taxi ride--yes, we are sheltered, country folk! On our 5:00 train-ride home last evening, we happened to find ourselves in the same train car as quite a few Eagles fans. Let me rephrase that: a few drunk and boisterous Eagles fans. Two drunk men apparently had their curiosity peaked at two women traveling back from a bachelorette weekend in New York City. The very loud, flirtatious conversation had everyone in the car listening, but as time went on, I became more and more restless in my spirit.  Here was a guy, drunk and immature who, I learned, was already in a relationship and had a child on the way, flirting with a woman, already married, and her sist...

I don't know about you, but in the last few weeks my heart has gotten extremely heavy as I look at the current events of our world. I think it started a few weeks ago when Josh Dugger's Ashley Madison account was exposed, then the Planned Parenthood videos came out, then details on the persecuted Christians in Syria became more real, then Kim Davis is jailed when she exercises her freedom of faith, and now Black Lives Matter activist groups threaten to kill "white people". It's sad. It's sickening. And it's worrisome. All the heartache, violence, and robbed freedoms has reminded me that the safest place in all the world is under a shadow--the shadow of the Almighty. Psalm 91 gives us some pretty marvelous promises if we choose to live under His wings, in the Holy of Holies. He promises divine protection. Obviously, Christians are not immune from trials, but God promises to protect is in trials. He will be by our side, every step of the way in the d...

Back by popular demand! Several readers referenced this post I wrote last year, so I wanted to re-post for all you mommas that are sending off your precious ones to school this week! This exact picture hung in the hallway of my parents' home when I was a child. I often found myself staring at it, thinking. One time, I remember my mom asking which of the sheep we see ourselves as. One of my sisters quickly responded that she was the lamb being held by Jesus.That was okay. I already knew which one I wanted to be. The black one. The different one. The one  following  Him. Yeah, profound thoughts for a young elementary student. But I was already realizing the cost of following the path less traveled. I already felt the call to  be  different.  Monday begins a new era in my role of motherhood. It is the first time my daughter will spend more of her waking hours with someone else, somewhere else. Hello, 1st grade. It has been a reflective w...

I recently came across this picture on Pinterest and I CANNOT stop thinking about it. It certainly is a picture worth a thousand words. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm probably most like the women in the third row. How boring, how sad, how serious, how lifeless.  I certainly have my fun and goofy moments, but reflecting on this photo has deepened a craving within me to laugh more, lose myself in memorable moments, and truly love life. I want to live like those women in the first row! Recently, I was almost in an accident. By almost I mean: brakes squealing, me screaming, and having to veer off the highway. In that moment of terror, I was reminded how fragile life is and how often I take it for granted. How I often just assume that I will be here tomorrow. The devotion on August 13 in "Jesus Calling" really resonated with me. "Learn to enjoy life more. Relax, remembering that I am God with you . I crafted you with enormous capa...

I don't know if it's mid-summer blues and boredom. Or maybe it's due to the fact we are moving this week and my husband and I are stressed, with little time and attention to offer. Perhaps it's because tomorrow is full moon. Whatever the cause, my kids are out of control. On a week that I would love to let them veg in front of the TV or computer, they, unfortunately, lost that privilege on Monday. For clarity, the behavior I am referring to consists of disobedience, talking back, fighting, kicking, hitting, and biting.  I'm not joking...biting has been an issue this week! Not sure if I am currently parenting children or animals. All this unwanted behavior has given me serious doubts in the parenting realm. Do I have what it takes to raise Godly, respectful, loving, and caring adults?! There is my mistake..."I". Of course, a sinful, messed-up human being like me certainly cannot turn my fighting brood into angelic beings. Lord Jesus, come.  That wa...

Ever have one of those days where it feels everything you start, ends in failure or disaster? Or maybe life's circumstances just have you down of late. Maybe you can identify with Charlie Brown: Funny, but oh, so true.  Sometimes it is so easy to enjoy the paved roads and smooth sidewalks through  life, but what do we do when the road gets rocky and bumpy? Do we press on, knowing that God balances rain with sunshine, storms with peace, tears with laughter? Psalm 91:15 says, "He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. Do we have the courage to look away from ourselves and our difficulties and turn, in faith, to look to Christ? Whatever journey God may be taking you on right now, remember God never wastes 'detours.' How much of our journey do we overlook because we are too busy focused on tomorrow? I encourage you to embrace the now. If anyone is a pro at overcoming obstacles, tha...

It's not uncommon for God to speak through nature. God spoke to Moses through the burning bush. (Exodus 3) God used a storm and a big fish to make His plan very clear to Jonah. David often referred to nature in his psalms: "When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars that you have established; what are human beings that you are mindful of them, mortals that you care for them." Psalm 8:3-4 Many people can agree that we feel closest to our Creator when we enjoy His creation. Quite a few years ago, I was at the age of the 'crossroads.' I was eighteen and my life stretched before me. I had several life-altering decisions ahead of me including plans after graduation, dating, and career choices. There was no clear right or wrong way and I found my mind in turmoil. I still remember sending a pleading prayer to God from my chair on the porch of a rustic cabin. "God, I don't know how to ask for a clear answer, but if this is wh...

This is a follow-up post from 2 days ago. So, if you didn't read that post, you'll have to go back and read that one first! Some of you asked how Phoenix is doing since his sunflower seed episode and I can't resist sharing a bit of a miracle: Yesterday, I awoke wrestling with worry. Knowing we are leaving for vacation in a week, I was concerned an infection would flare up and impose on our fun. I was debating calling an Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist to ask their opinion of if/when an infection might occur. Above all, I begged God for confirmation of where that seed went. I had no idea how He would make it clear, but I wanted and needed to know if Phoenix swallowed the seed, coughed it out, or if it was still floating around in his sinuses somewhere! Around lunchtime I was cleaning up my counters and noticed a wadded up tissue. Grabbing it to throw in the trash, I just happened to glance at the tissue closer. And there, inside of it, was a...sunflower seed! My mind...

There once was a naughty child. A child who liked to misbehave in order to get attention. A child who smashed ripening peaches in a basement during playgroup. A child who tore down Sunday School decorations in a classroom. A child who learned the hard way that tic tacs are not meant for noses. Believe it or not, that child was me. And today, I received payback in full. You see, I have a child who has kept me praying since the day he was born. From his hospitalization at 2 weeks old for croup & RSV... To never-ending toddler messes... To...today Notice that nice little bag of trail mix clutched in his hand? This picture was taken following my oldest son's pre-school graduation and just moments before he decided to stick a sunflower seed from his snack, up his nose! Oh stress. Calls to the doctor, tweezers, "Mother's Kiss" technique. None if this could get that stubborn little seed back out. We were so close and I asked him to...

Lately, I've been feeling a stirring in my spirit. You know, that feeling that God is up to something that is beyond me, myself, and I. That gut feeling that I've become complacent and comfortable and the understanding that God wants to take me deeper. Maybe it's our Sunday School series on Building Friendships on the Heart of God and the discussions that are a result of the Holy Spirit spurring us to branch out and be Jesus to someone new. Maybe it's the book "Be Brave" I'm reading and learning to take new steps and pursue new endeavors. Whatever it is, God is at work and I want to be molded, pruned, and shaped into His masterpiece. By nature, I am an introvert. I like to be alone in my thoughts and large groups of people are overwhelming to me. The last several weeks, I have found myself on the sidelines of soccer games and practices as my two oldest children are participating in their very first soccer season. There are a few familiar faces, b...

Tears cascaded down my cheeks as I stood in the kitchen chopping onions for our dinner. However, the tears were not caused by the onions. They were tears being shed after a long, no-good, very bad day. A day that had me chasing my wild, 3 year old and cleaning up messes that involved pee, gasoline, and marker. A day spent refereeing countless battles and disagreements. A day where the tasks never seemed to end. A day that looked like I accomplished nothing. And then I spotted it. A list my 1st grader had written weeks ago and still hung on my fridge. A varied list. A simplistic view of life through her eyes. The last four words grip me every time. "I love my life" And I'm challenged. Do I love my life? The life of motherhood was a longtime dream and just seconds ago I found myself complaining and pitying myself for a hard day. How quickly my blessings can be overshadowed by a selfish, bad attitude. When was the last time I looked at life through the lens ...

I recently heard a sermon on the familiar story of Daniel. The beautiful thing about Scripture is that it's Living and Active and the Holy Spirit reveals new thoughts and challenges to meet us where we are at in our journey through life. The part that jumped out at me last Sunday was in Daniel 1:8-16 where Daniel and his friends were determined not to defile themselves with royal food and wine. After a period of 10 days, they looked healthier and better nourished than those who had eaten the royal food. So, the choice food was taken away and everyone was served vegetables instead! I admire them for being willing to go 'extreme' for the Lord! They knew that taking care of their bodies, physically and spiritually, would allow God to use them in mightier ways than they ever imagined! Healthy diets and lives with exercise plans are permeating the culture all around us. It's scientifically proven that eating our fruits and vegetables help us live longer. Regular exerc...

I never meant to exit the blogosphere for an entire month. But that's how long it's been since I last wrote. To be honest with you, I've been resisting and wrestling this topic for weeks. Even after having several God-ordained conversations with other women about this very topic and knowing I wasn't the only one, I resisted being vulnerable and exposing the ugly, dark side of me. Until yesterday, when someone at church commented to me that I was such a relaxed and patient mother. My response was a chuckle and truthful, "Oh my, no there are definitely days I blow my top!" And I knew, it was time. Time to be truthful to myself and to the rest  of the world. Almost 2 years ago, I began noticing a trend in my parenting. I was beginning to yell, a lot . In the safe confines of my home where I couldn't be judged by others, I turned to yelling to control my kids. In the moment, it felt good to vent. Yelling reminded my kids who the boss was and their response ...

As humans, we make hundreds of choices on a daily basis. From small, insignificant choices like what to wear and what to eat, all the way to big, life-altering choices about careers and finances. When my kids were younger, they had no choice about what they were wearing or what they got to eat. I handed it to them and expected them to comply. But, recently, I began to loosen the reigns in this area. After all, they need to learn to dress themselves in matching clothes! I need to support them in their preferences in clothing choices and let them decipher what they're hungry for. (And, no, I do not make them all something different for dinner each night! This is simply for breakfasts/lunches!) For example, this morning they had a choice of eggs or cereal for breakfast. Although my main reason in allowing them more personal choices is so they  learn to dress themselves and make healthy choices, I've also discovered I'm raising some strong-willed children and choices=less ...

My husband and I recently had a date night where we decided to do something completely different from our usual choices. We decided to re-visit something we had done back in youth group together: indoor rock climbing! I must admit, we almost chickened out. When we arrived at the gym, it was full of youngsters and we really debated about us "oldies" joining in. Plus, I am not a huge fan of heights, so it was stretching for me to even look at the high walls above me and think about climbing to the very top! But, we did. And I'm so glad we did! It was a great workout, a lot of fun and God opened my eyes to some revelations! If you've never been climbing before, first you put on a harness. Then, you can choose different walls or courses that each have a variety of obstacles or climbing patterns to follow. Each of these stations has a rope that goes all the way to the top of the course. Each partner hooks their harness to opposite ends of the rope. One ...