Old Yeller
I never meant to exit the blogosphere for an entire month. But that's how long it's been since I last wrote. To be honest with you, I've been resisting and wrestling this topic for weeks. Even after having several God-ordained conversations with other women about this very topic and knowing I wasn't the only one, I resisted being vulnerable and exposing the ugly, dark side of me. Until yesterday, when someone at church commented to me that I was such a relaxed and patient mother. My response was a chuckle and truthful, "Oh my, no there are definitely days I blow my top!" And I knew, it was time. Time to be truthful to myself and to the rest of the world.
Almost 2 years ago, I began noticing a trend in my parenting. I was beginning to yell, a lot. In the safe confines of my home where I couldn't be judged by others, I turned to yelling to control my kids. In the moment, it felt good to vent. Yelling reminded my kids who the boss was and their response to "GET YOUR SHOES ON!" seemed quicker than if I pleaded nicely a million times. Perhaps the trigger was kiddo #3...or the fact that my life had schedule for the first time in years and we needed to be somewhere at a certain time...or maybe it was because my life felt as if it were spinning out of control with sickness and my battle with anxiety...but whatever it was, I felt that yelling took back that control I felt I was losing.
But, I didn't like this person I was becoming and I knew I wasn't modeling Jesus by living this way. Deep down, I knew that yelling didn't teach my kids anything. Instead, it threw them into defensive or survival mode. Yes, they may have hurried a bit more, but they weren't learning obedience and respect for authority in a healthy way.
I needed help. I heard Lysa TerKuerst speak on an episode of Focus on the Family and deeply resonated with her. I began reading her book, "Unglued" and a slow transformation began to take place. By jotting down my stuffing and exploding incidents, I was able to finally identify my triggers. I was reminded of grace, forgiveness, and imperfect progress.
Although perfection was never attained, my yelling episodes slowly became further and further apart until it was no longer a daily battle. Yes, I still had difficult moments, but time-outs and discipline were no longer done in yelling haste. Instead, they became prayerful and teachable moments.
And then came an episode a few weeks ago...
It had been yet another long, winter day where we had been confined to the indoors. Patience was waning and in desperation to entertain my kiddos for the long, dark evening ahead I pulled out the PlayDoh. After playing with my kids for awhile, I decided to step away and tackle my menu planning for the week. The kids happily kept playing. Minutes later I happened to glance up, just in time to see my daughter toss tiny pieces of PlayDoh into the air as if they were snowflakes, which proceeded to rain down on the entire surrounding area.
This was the last straw. There I was, like an angry bull with eyes blazing, nostrils flaring, stomping over to the table. At the sight of hundreds of teeny bits of PlayDoh thrown all over the dining room, kitchen, and living room, I erupted like a volcano. Hot, angry, explosive words poured from my mouth. I was so angry at their irresponsible mess; hot tears cascaded down my cheeks!
But, even worse than the anger, was the guilt that followed. I had just had an adult temper tantrum. This was not the mother I ever dreamed of being. I felt dirty, ashamed, and full of regret. Of course, forgiveness was mutually offered. But, I still struggled to forgive myself. It had been so long since I yelled in uncontrollable anger; why did I find myself back in this place again? How had I become this 'yelling mom' again?
But then I remembered I am on a journey of imperfect progress. I couldn't let this set-back destroy the progress I've already made. I was challenged again to pursue the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I was reminded that when we walk in the Spirit, we will be gentle mothers, but when we walk in the flesh, we will lack all these attributes.
I believe that in pursuing gentleness, we will replace harsh words. But, we need God's transforming power in us to make that happen. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."
So, if you can resonate with me and my struggle, I urge you to find your trigger! Is it stress, disorganization, exhaustion, too-high expectations? Read and memorize Proverbs to gain wisdom and warnings on quick tempers and anger. Replace the old habits with something new and life-giving.
No matter where you find yourself today, let us strive to control our tempers and our words. Make it your goal in the coming weeks, to smile more, hug more, slow down, listen, and take deep breaths. When we feel like screaming, let's whisper instead. Pray, pray, and pray some more. Live out love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
"For whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin." Proverbs 13:13
Almost 2 years ago, I began noticing a trend in my parenting. I was beginning to yell, a lot. In the safe confines of my home where I couldn't be judged by others, I turned to yelling to control my kids. In the moment, it felt good to vent. Yelling reminded my kids who the boss was and their response to "GET YOUR SHOES ON!" seemed quicker than if I pleaded nicely a million times. Perhaps the trigger was kiddo #3...or the fact that my life had schedule for the first time in years and we needed to be somewhere at a certain time...or maybe it was because my life felt as if it were spinning out of control with sickness and my battle with anxiety...but whatever it was, I felt that yelling took back that control I felt I was losing.
But, I didn't like this person I was becoming and I knew I wasn't modeling Jesus by living this way. Deep down, I knew that yelling didn't teach my kids anything. Instead, it threw them into defensive or survival mode. Yes, they may have hurried a bit more, but they weren't learning obedience and respect for authority in a healthy way.
I needed help. I heard Lysa TerKuerst speak on an episode of Focus on the Family and deeply resonated with her. I began reading her book, "Unglued" and a slow transformation began to take place. By jotting down my stuffing and exploding incidents, I was able to finally identify my triggers. I was reminded of grace, forgiveness, and imperfect progress.
Although perfection was never attained, my yelling episodes slowly became further and further apart until it was no longer a daily battle. Yes, I still had difficult moments, but time-outs and discipline were no longer done in yelling haste. Instead, they became prayerful and teachable moments.
And then came an episode a few weeks ago...
It had been yet another long, winter day where we had been confined to the indoors. Patience was waning and in desperation to entertain my kiddos for the long, dark evening ahead I pulled out the PlayDoh. After playing with my kids for awhile, I decided to step away and tackle my menu planning for the week. The kids happily kept playing. Minutes later I happened to glance up, just in time to see my daughter toss tiny pieces of PlayDoh into the air as if they were snowflakes, which proceeded to rain down on the entire surrounding area.
This was the last straw. There I was, like an angry bull with eyes blazing, nostrils flaring, stomping over to the table. At the sight of hundreds of teeny bits of PlayDoh thrown all over the dining room, kitchen, and living room, I erupted like a volcano. Hot, angry, explosive words poured from my mouth. I was so angry at their irresponsible mess; hot tears cascaded down my cheeks!
But, even worse than the anger, was the guilt that followed. I had just had an adult temper tantrum. This was not the mother I ever dreamed of being. I felt dirty, ashamed, and full of regret. Of course, forgiveness was mutually offered. But, I still struggled to forgive myself. It had been so long since I yelled in uncontrollable anger; why did I find myself back in this place again? How had I become this 'yelling mom' again?
But then I remembered I am on a journey of imperfect progress. I couldn't let this set-back destroy the progress I've already made. I was challenged again to pursue the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I was reminded that when we walk in the Spirit, we will be gentle mothers, but when we walk in the flesh, we will lack all these attributes.
I believe that in pursuing gentleness, we will replace harsh words. But, we need God's transforming power in us to make that happen. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."
So, if you can resonate with me and my struggle, I urge you to find your trigger! Is it stress, disorganization, exhaustion, too-high expectations? Read and memorize Proverbs to gain wisdom and warnings on quick tempers and anger. Replace the old habits with something new and life-giving.
No matter where you find yourself today, let us strive to control our tempers and our words. Make it your goal in the coming weeks, to smile more, hug more, slow down, listen, and take deep breaths. When we feel like screaming, let's whisper instead. Pray, pray, and pray some more. Live out love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
"For whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin." Proverbs 13:13
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