10 Things

Today, in honor of love, marriage, and Valentine's Day I wanted to re-share one of my most-read posts! Even though our marriage is almost 2 years older, this all still rings true!

Also, don't forget that my giveaway of two awesome books ends tomorrow!! See Friday's post on how to enter!!

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Eight years ago, I said, "I Do" to the love of my life. It was difficult for me to comprehend when people said they are more in love with their spouse after many years of marriage than they were on their wedding day. But, it's true. Even though I thought my heart would burst with love for my husband-to-be on the dawn of May 13, 2006, I now think my entire being could burst with love for my husband, just 8 wild, fulfilling, crazy-fast years later. We're not just talking about the heart-stopping, physical, passionate 'eros' love anymore...it has molded into the true, unconditional 'agape' love.

Within the past year, our church has provided a wonderful opportunity for Sheldon & I to be involved in couple's lives through a marriage mentor ship program and pre-marital counseling. Although no ministry like this is easy, it has been a complete JOY to be used by God in this way! We've learned so much from our parents' marriages, through trial & error in our own marriage, and from the Author of our Love Story, that we feel honored and privileged to walk with others who are just beginning the journey towards marriage and those who desire to go deeper.

Today, I felt led to share with you 10 Things I've Learned in 8 Years of Marriage. No marriage is perfect and we certainly don't claim to be. But if there is one area you can be encouraged to strengthen in your relationship with your spouse through my post today; then glory to God for using my humble testimony!

#1 Speak each other's love language. More than likely, you've married someone with a completely different love language then yourself! If you aren't familiar with the five, they are: quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service. Early in our marriage, I showered Sheldon's lunchbox with little love notes and encouraging letters. But, I was speaking my own language with words of affirmation to someone who preferred physical touch. Although he appreciated the notes, he would've much rather been greeted with a hug and kiss when he returned home from work each day.

#2 Communicate. This is an obvious one and yet, so many marriages fail because a couple doesn't know how to communicate properly. I'll give you a simple example. My dear husband loves a clean house, but when it comes to our bedroom he could care less! He'll often throw clothes on the floor rather than place them in the hamper if they're dirty or hang them up if they can be worn again. Early in our marriage, I would get annoyed and give him the silent treatment for as long as I could stand it, then I'd burst. "You always leave the room a mess. Can't you put your clothes where they belong?" But, I learned through my own mistakes. My husband is much more receptive to what I have to say if I don't attack. Instead, I tell him what I feel. "Honey, I am feeling very frustrated that I am constantly picking up your clothes. Do you think you could help me by placing them in the hamper or re-hanging them?" When attacked, any human automatically puts up a defense, but when someone expresses how they feel, better communication takes place.

#3 Space. Some people would disagree that couples should spend time away from each other. But, in our experience, it has been refreshing and beneficial for each of us to spend some occasional time away. It can be for business, a weekend away with friends, or just a simple afternoon or evening by ourselves. I think it rekindles the love and reignites the desire to be with your spouse. Our appreciation for who they are and what they add to family life is recognized. After all, absence does make the heart grow fonder!

#4 Date. This is something we only got serious about once kiddo #2 came. We did it out of desperation and a need to stay sane! But honestly, I think it's important enough for couples of all ages to continue, whether it's before, during, or after kids. We found a swap with friends to be the most successful; one month we go out and the next month they do. The affordability of this option is perfect. We look forward to our dates and like to keep them simple. Honestly, just driving in a peaceful, quiet car  is rejuvenating to our spirits!

#5 Stop comparing. Every marriage is different, so stay focused on your spouse and what they contribute to your relationship. My husband is not a cook. If I am leaving for a weekend and don't have meals prepared, he has the ability to make hot dogs, burgers, pizza, or grilled cheese! In all honesty, he's come a long way in the kitchen, but it just isn't a passion of his. Some of my friends have husbands who love to cook and bake. I will hear stories of their meal-making, bread-baking, dish-washing lover and I can feel that envy begin to take root. But, then I remember I've married a hopeless romantic. He's always thoughtful and prepares lavish dates and surprises for me. He has the gift of gifting. One night, he even went to a bike shop and bought me a new bike...for no reason at all, other than declaring his love! So, I don't think I'll be trading in my Romeo anytime soon!

#6 Love & Respect. Sadly, many couples get in the wrong cycle: "If he doesn't show me love, then I won't show him respect." One spouse has to make the sacrificial choice to be the one who chooses to get out of the wrong cycle and into the right one. Once a husband feels respected, it is easier for him to show love to his wife and vice versa. It's too easy to wait for the feeling of love and respect too emerge, but the truth is, it is more of a choice that we have to make...an attitude we need to choose. How many marriages could be saved if couples put this simple concept into action?!

#7 No Public Put-Downs. After an experience early in our marriage, we made a commitment to resist the temptation to put each other down around our friends or when in public. A couple we were with for a day trip made constant jabs at each other and continuously pointed out each other's faults. It saddened us to see both of their spirits deflate as the day went on. Spouses are meant to support and uplift one another, not tear each other down! By no means have we aced this commitment, but we are very thankful we saw the effect of a negative and biting tongue early on in our marriage.

#8 No "D" Word. This is advice straight from the lips of my own pastor father. Growing up, he emphasized this often and also included it in his meditation on the day he married us. I can even hear his voice saying it as I type it, "Don't even let the D word even enter your vocabulary!" The D word, obviously being Divorce. Christian couples should never entertain the thought or idea of divorce, for the Bible says in Mark 10:9, "Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."

#9 Laugh Your Way. We are imperfect, we make mistakes. Marriage is give & take. The beauty of how God created male & female so differently in order for us to be so compatible, is astounding! A year ago, our Sunday School class began Mark Gungor's video series titled "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage." I can't preach it better than him, so I encourage you watch the series and learn to laugh and appreciate the differences we have with our spouses and how they make us a stronger couple.

#10 Involve the 3rd Cord. Ecclesiastes 4:12 states, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken." If I could change one thing about my wedding, I think I would've replaced our unity candle with a cord of three strands. What powerful imagery it is for two individuals joined by God in holy matrimony! When a marriage is based on the foundation of God, it is He who holds it together when we think we can't. He has woven each of us individually, He has woven us together as a couple and He has woven our marriage to be a part of His work.

No matter where your marriage is at today: struggling, thriving, young, or old, just remember that God uses our imperfections for His glory.