It's real...it's raw...my journey with an anxiety and panic disorder
This morning my church had a special service focused on anxiety titled, "Experiencing Life in an Anxious World." It was a powerful morning hearing testimonies of 5 individuals and their journeys with anxiety. I could see my own story woven through theirs, seeing similar experiences and triggers. Then, a trained psychologist from a local counseling service described the 7 types of disorders, of which I could easily identify mine! She then closed with 10 tips to conquer anxiety, many of which were successful for me. Overall, it was a God-filled morning and I couldn't quite fall asleep tonight until I wrote down all my thoughts and reflected on my own journey these past 16 months...
It all started with a bout of sickness that I just couldn't beat. Extreme nausea and vomiting for days landed me in the ER for fluids. Continual stomach pain had me and my doctors concerned about my gall bladder. Many tests declared the same thing...I was healthy. Even a referral to a gastroenterologist ended with the doctor looking deep into my eyes saying there was NOTHING physically wrong with me. I was happy and relieved to be healthy and yet, I didn't feel like myself. Because I had become so sensitive to fatty foods, he did diagnose me with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. So I did lots of research and even planned to see a nutritionist to improve my diet. I was so weary of fighting constant nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and sleeplessness; the thought of living the rest of my life like this made me desperate to do anything to improve my symptoms. I could no longer even go to a restaurant, for I had constant fear of becoming sick. Even a birthday date with my husband ended with me vomiting in the bathroom and canceled food orders! I wasn't living, I was only surviving.
And then IT happened...the panic attack. I never experienced one before and would never wish one upon even my worst enemy. Waking in the early mornings shaking in fear, but not being able to mentally pinpoint what was causing my fear. Sleeplessness, rapid breathing, racing heart, pacing, tense muscles, entire body shaking, chills, sweat, nausea...just typing this out I can easily plant myself back into those nightmarish times. My husband would wrap his arms around me and declare, "Peace, in Jesus' name!" Family and friends prayed and encouraged me constantly through calls, e-mails, and texts. At my lowest point, in a hour long, tear-filled appointment, my doctor finally diagnosed me with a mild social phobia, general anxiety, and a panic disorder.
Finally, one morning a few weeks later, I knew I was on the road to recovery when my 5 year old daughter looked at me and said, "Mommy, I'm so glad you can eat breakfast with us this morning." She had seen too many mornings of me pacing around the house, willing myself not to be sick. She had seen too many mornings of me laying on the couch, not even able to function.
I still have to be careful. It's still a journey. Vacations and travel are often hard. New things are difficult. My anxious thoughts still creep in if I find myself overwhelmed. But, I am learning my triggers and I am learning my coping mechanisms. And, I find huge victory in the thought that it's been 6 months since my last panic attack.
Why did God allow me to go through this dark valley? I believe it's so I can help others. When I hear of someone else struggling with anxiety, I no longer have a blank stare filled with skepticism. No, I feel their fearful shaking, rapid breathing, and racing heart. I ache with them; I travel through the dark valley with them.
Because it's real and it's raw.
It all started with a bout of sickness that I just couldn't beat. Extreme nausea and vomiting for days landed me in the ER for fluids. Continual stomach pain had me and my doctors concerned about my gall bladder. Many tests declared the same thing...I was healthy. Even a referral to a gastroenterologist ended with the doctor looking deep into my eyes saying there was NOTHING physically wrong with me. I was happy and relieved to be healthy and yet, I didn't feel like myself. Because I had become so sensitive to fatty foods, he did diagnose me with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. So I did lots of research and even planned to see a nutritionist to improve my diet. I was so weary of fighting constant nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and sleeplessness; the thought of living the rest of my life like this made me desperate to do anything to improve my symptoms. I could no longer even go to a restaurant, for I had constant fear of becoming sick. Even a birthday date with my husband ended with me vomiting in the bathroom and canceled food orders! I wasn't living, I was only surviving.
And then IT happened...the panic attack. I never experienced one before and would never wish one upon even my worst enemy. Waking in the early mornings shaking in fear, but not being able to mentally pinpoint what was causing my fear. Sleeplessness, rapid breathing, racing heart, pacing, tense muscles, entire body shaking, chills, sweat, nausea...just typing this out I can easily plant myself back into those nightmarish times. My husband would wrap his arms around me and declare, "Peace, in Jesus' name!" Family and friends prayed and encouraged me constantly through calls, e-mails, and texts. At my lowest point, in a hour long, tear-filled appointment, my doctor finally diagnosed me with a mild social phobia, general anxiety, and a panic disorder.
Finally, one morning a few weeks later, I knew I was on the road to recovery when my 5 year old daughter looked at me and said, "Mommy, I'm so glad you can eat breakfast with us this morning." She had seen too many mornings of me pacing around the house, willing myself not to be sick. She had seen too many mornings of me laying on the couch, not even able to function.
I still have to be careful. It's still a journey. Vacations and travel are often hard. New things are difficult. My anxious thoughts still creep in if I find myself overwhelmed. But, I am learning my triggers and I am learning my coping mechanisms. And, I find huge victory in the thought that it's been 6 months since my last panic attack.
Why did God allow me to go through this dark valley? I believe it's so I can help others. When I hear of someone else struggling with anxiety, I no longer have a blank stare filled with skepticism. No, I feel their fearful shaking, rapid breathing, and racing heart. I ache with them; I travel through the dark valley with them.
Because it's real and it's raw.
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